Preparing to talk to someone

A useful place to start your preparation for talking to someone is to consider:

• What do you want from the person you are talking to?
• You might want to just get it off your chest
• You might want to get some help
• You might want to stop the secrecy of self-harming
• You might want to just talk about what’s going on for you
• And for many other reasons too.

But what is it that you want from them?

On this website there is a section called ‘I’ statements which are really useful. These can be practiced and lets the other person know what you want from them; it would be useful for you to read about ‘I’ statements so that you better understand how they work (and they do!). A suggestion of an ‘I’ statement for telling someone about your self-harm could be:

• I feel: nervous/scared/ashamed (identify your feeling- you could use the feelings wheel in the resources to help you find the right feeling word if it helps)
• When: I think about what I want to say
• Because: I know it is upsetting
• I would like: you to listen to me without coming up with a plan or going mad. (what you want from them)

If you don’t like the ‘I’ statement option you might consider other alternatives, examples include:

• “I need to talk to you about something that’s important. You don’t have to do anything, just listen please”.
• “I need your help; I want to talk to you about something I am struggling with”.
• Trust is really important to me and you are someone I trust, so I want to talk to you about stuff I’m going through please”
• “I don’t like keeping secrets from you, so I want to tell you something”.
• It is always best to use your own words, these are just examples or ideas of how you might start the conversation.

Concentrate on your feelings

You will notice that all of the possibilities mentioned have you at the heart of the conversation. It is hard to hear that someone you care about is deliberately hurting themselves; so, talk about your situation or feelings that have led you to this path rather than what you do. This can really help your chosen person understand (as much as they can) where you are coming from.

Maybe you could try some breathing exercises (see the resource section) to keep your emotions as calm as you can manage during the conversation?

What about their reaction?

Deliberate self-harm is a complex subject matter and there are many reasons for people turning to this as a coping strategy; and there will be many different reactions too; we cannot predict them all. The reaction (whatever it is) you are likely to encounter will come from a place of caring about you.

Common reactions include anger, shock, fear or even guilt. All you can do is more preparation...

• Think about where you will tell them (when you’re walking the dog together – so there’s limited eye contact maybe? Or when you are at home in your favourite room/chair do what is right for you)
• Think about what time of day or day of the week is better than others (Monday morning as everyone is leaving for school/work is probably best avoided)
• Avoid rushing what you want to tell them
• Give them time to absorb what you’ve said
• Try and answer questions as honestly as you can, but if you don’t want to answer something say so.

Examples of refusing to answer questions might include another ‘I’ statement

• I feel: guilty /upset/anxious (your feeling)
• When: I hear your questions
• Because: I’m not ready to share that
• I would like: you to be patient with me; this is hard for me too. (what you want from them)

Other options without using the ‘I’ statement might be

• “I’m not able to answer that at the moment”, or
• “I’m sorry I can’t tell you that yet as I don’t know”
• “This isn’t your fault, it’s my way of coping at the moment”
• “I don’t want to talk about that now”
• “I don’t want to show you, just for you to try and understand what’s going on for me at the moment”

However, these don’t tell the other person what you want from them.