I Statements

So, how do I tell others what I want/need? It can be really difficult to tell someone what you need or want from them but using ‘I’ statements can really help. Though they can feel a bit ‘constructed’ at first.

An ‘I’ statement is four short sentences that helps you state your case without inflaming or arousing the defences of the person you are speaking to (your listener). They are a very useful tool in helping us become assertive communicators.

Example ‘I’ statements

• encourage us to take responsibility for our feelings.
• help us avoid blaming others
• are a useful way to open a conversation
• can be planned before they are delivered
• are a less threatening way to assertively confront someone about an issue that is bothering us without the use of inflammatory language.
• can/will open up possibilities we may not have considered
• help us think about how we would like the situation to be different and
• inform our listener how they can change the situation.

Even if the situation may not look any different after you deliver an ‘I’ statement, it often feels different, and that on its own can change things.

When can I use ‘I’ statements?

• When I need to speak to someone about their behaviour
• When I feel others are not treating us as we feel we deserve to be treated
• When I feel defensive or angry
• When others are angry with me
• To praise or to compliment someone

What are the four sentences? The most difficult bit can be keeping it to four sentences – or maybe thinking about what it is you want.…… that’s why it can be good to plan them.

• I feel: (say how you are feeling)
• When: (say what happened; what caused the feeling)
• Because: (tell your listener why it’s upset or pleased you)
• I would like: (tell them what you want to happen or change)

Examples 1:

Examples 2:

When do ‘I’ statements ‘go wrong?’ It’s really easy to use the word ‘YOU’ in the first couple of sentences but this can:

• Make your listener feel defensive or angry and communication can quickly break down.
• ‘You’ messages tend to be critical and apportion blame back onto the listener….. so rather than focus on accusing the listener, focus on how you are feeling, and your outcome will be far more successful.

Example of an ‘I’ statement and a ‘You’ statement – notice the difference

How can ‘I’ statements be used to deliver praise or messages of encouragement? Just to make things a bit tougher – the word ‘YOU’ can be used when you are delivering a praise; essentially because there is no conflict within the message:

• I feel really happy
• When you said we will go for a coffee
• Because it’s been ages since we spent time together
• I would like to say thank you for making time for this.

Learning how to deliver a successful ‘I’ statement is an important skill that you can use in all aspects of your life and become an assertive communicator.
Assertive people stand up for their personal rights and express their thoughts and feelings firmly, directly, and honestly in ways that are respectful of others.

• They respect the rights of others and recognise the importance of having their own needs and rights respected.
• They speak clearly and to the point and are confident about who they are.
• They recognise they have choices in life but will listen to what other people say also.
• Assertive people gain respect for being respectful.
• They do not have to shout to be heard and own what they say by using ‘I’ statements.

Finally, Our ‘I’ statement to you

• I feel really pleased
• When I think about how successful your ‘I’ messages are going to be
• Because I know how much difference they can make to connecting people and helping them rebuild trust and co-operation
• I would like to wish you every success in creating healthier, more open, honest relationships.